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Successful Single Parenting
Whether out of necessity or by choice, sole parenting can be a tough road, but the rewards are worth it. We talk to two single parents making a success of their situations. |
 Traditionally the concept of family referred to Mum, Dad and the kids: the perfect nuclear unit, but in today's society, the notion of family has many meanings. Families with only one parent make up over 15% of all families. Some single parents are divorced, some were never married, some are widowed and some are single parents who have adopted. The challenges faced by the single parent are determined by circumstance, but commonalities exist across the board.
Single parent households, as opposed to 'traditional' households where both parents are present, face problems and dilemmas unique to their situations. In dual parent households, decisions regarding discipline, finances and other basic day-to-day activities are made jointly, but in the single parent household, the resident parent becomes the sole disciplinarian, breadwinner and financial controller. They have complete responsibility for tasks usually shared by two people.
Sometimes this leads to financial and emotional stress, but there are also many positive aspects of being a single parent. Often, the extended family becomes closer, and strong relationships develop between the child and grandparents, uncles and aunts who may be called in for occasional child minding. The relationship between the sole parent and child is usually close, and single fathers are more likely to show concern about day care, more interest in education and protection of their children, more discipline orientation and are more likely to use positive parenting techniques than married fathers.
Children from single parent families are usually mature and confident. They are taught to be responsible and self-reliant from an early age and there is no reason for them not to grow into easygoing stable teenagers with few behavioural issues. In fact, according to the Victorian Government's Better Health website, a child from a single parent home who is loved and supported has no more problems than a child from a two parent home. Dr Bryan Rodgers, of the Australian National University conducted a 2004 survey which concluded that the risk of developing emotional and behavioural problems stems not from being the child of a single parent, but from being in a family that had separated. This was more likely to have exposed the child to conflict, abuse issues and poor relationships.
Single parents depend heavily on the voluntary cooperation of their children. The more that the children take part in the daily running of the house by doing chores and helping make simple decisions, the more they feel needed and appreciated as contributing members of the household. Within two-parent families, parents typically share the major responsibilities. In single parent families, each child's help is needed and vital in day-to-day living. Growing up in a single parent household can be a challenge but overcoming hurdles builds character which sets kids up for life. Emphasise the positive, don't dwell on the negative, and let them know how much their cooperation and achievements mean to you. |
Sally
Sally was 26 when she became pregnant with her son Max. She and Max's dad Michael had been in a relationship, but by the time Sally found out she was pregnant, the relationship had cooled to a friendship. Whilst it was a shock for both of them, she decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. "It was a combinations of a few things: Age and being ready anyway. I wasn't 19 and without means, I could afford to do it. I've never been keen on the idea of abortion as an easy way out, and coupled with the fact that my dad was dying and it was a very sad time, it was the right thing to do."
Sadly, Sally's father never got to meet his grandson. He died when she was pregnant, and Max made his way into the world on his grandparents wedding anniversary four months later. The birth was hard, but I had a doula as a support person and Michael was there. He was the first person to hold Max. "The first time Max stayed with his Dad the whole night, he would have been about four months old and I had to go away on a work conference. This was when I returned to work and Max started at childcare. I think every parent feels guilty when they put their child into day care, but then you feel guilty about everything.
"A friend told me that the first time you feel guilty is when you find out you are pregnant, and you wonder how many times you have been drunk! What was the other option? To stay at home and be dependent on government payments? So it doesn't go away. You feel guilty about whatever you do. You just have to deal with it. As a single parent, I think if I lived in a different area (than the eastern suburbs of Sydney) I may have received a bit of prejudice, but it's not that uncommon here. I guess it is unusual to be single from the start. When people find out, there is an immediate assumption that the father has left the woman, and that isn't the case with me, so I think that is an unfair response that most people have.
"Max is very independent for a four year old because he has had different families to live with. First Mike was living with his parents, then living alone and now he's married, so Max has had to adapt to these different circumstances and heÕs really independent in that way. He is very close with my mother and brothers who live nearby and have looked after him since he was a baby. He has a relationship with his extended family that is completely outside of the relationship that he has with me. He has to live with different sets of rules, and within their boundaries. I think that the best thing about the situation that I have is that Mike and I are very good friends, we all get along and Max has always had a loving place to be. Max knows that because everybody wants him for a portion of the week, that he is loved in that place.
"The first couple of years of a baby's life is hard work for the parents, and it can be a strain, I talk to people I know who are together and have a small baby and often there is huge jealousy on the part of the father because of the relationship between the child and the mother. I don't have to worry about anybody else, I donÕt have a partner whose needs I need to think about. It sounds really selfish, but Max has got the best out of that because I can focus exclusively on him. And everybody's happy. Mike gets his time off, I get my time off, Max gets his time off from us!! And he's got a bond with his parents that a child in a two-parent family would never have. It is unique."
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 Penny
Penny is the mother of Maya, now five. She separated from Maya's father when her daughter was one due to cultural differences. He returned to his home country of Brazil, and has since had little contact with his daughter. "When we separated, I had to go on social security because Maya's dad had been supporting us beforehand. I was on the sole parents pension for about six months before starting uni full time and Maya went to the university day care. While she was there, I was lucky enough to be a part of JETS which is the Jobs Education Training Scheme which is a child care subsidy for people on the sole parent pension. I'm currently doing my PhD in Science.
"Probably the biggest challenge is having time to study: balancing being a mother and a full time student. Financially it's pretty hard, because on the sole parent pension, even though I was getting a little bit more with the pensioner education supplement, after paying rent and bills I was just above the poverty line. You work all day, and then you come home and have to keep going. Its like another job basically. I just keep working at the challenges. You cut corners. I don't really have a social life, I don't buy certain things, I use my sewing machine to take in clothes and change them, rather than buying new ones. Personally, I don't get much chance to socialise, because although my family are supportive in some senses, they can't take her every single weekend.
"Most of my friends don't have kids. Those that do have left Sydney and so the babysitting that I could get from them is gone. All of my other friends work and study and they are just not able to help me out that much, although one friend does occasionally babysit, If I need to study or attend a conference or something, my Mum will usually look after Maya for me. I am lucky that I have had a privileged background in the sense of going to a good school, and my mother and my stepfather are both academics, so socio economically, I have had an advantage. But you also need to take a chance and take a risk.
"It's easy to sit back and do nothing, but I am working to better my circumstances and the circumstances of my daughter. I think that there are a lot of people out there who worry that they will fail, so they don't even try. I have faced prejudice in the past. When I was first trying to find an apartment for Maya and I, several real estate agents discriminated against me. One of them lied to my face and said there was nothing available when I knew for a fact there was. He finally let me look at one place but it was an absolute dump. That happened on more than one occasion until I went to the extent of getting a male friend to sign a lease with me.
"I don't have any problems with my current agent, but being treated like that was disgusting. There are so many great things about being a sole parent. Although I am restricted with time and I have to put Maya first as far as what money gets spent and what I do during the day, on the other hand, I'm the mistress of my own destiny because I don't have to look after a man as well. I only have to clean up after myself and my daughter, I only have to take care of myself and my daughter, and I don't have to take the needs of another adult into consideration. Although there are so many good things about having a partner, the good stuff about not having one is that you can make your own decisions and have your own routine. Better alone than poorly accompanied is my motto."
Kids World Magazine |
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Further Information
The Single Parent's Bible www.singleparentsbible.com.au is a great online glossy dedicated to sole parenting.
'Going it Alone' is the inspiring story of single mother Natascha Mirosch and is available on her website www.goingitalone.com.au.
The One Parent Family is a supportive online community and resource guide for sole parent families http://p205.ezboard.com/btheoneparentfamily
Centrelink www.centrelink.com.au can hep you will all the information you need regarding support payments, JETS and other government initiatives.
RSVP www.rsvp.com.au is a great way to meet potential partners online.
Parents Without Partners is a not for profit support organisation focussing on the needs of sole parents. www.pwpvic.org |
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